a new name for everything.

We wanted for nothing, so autumn caught us off guard. We always knew it was coming, it was the natural progression of things, but it was so hot for so long that our anticipation was dulled. Surely summer would last forever, we thought, so we were shocked when fall showed up on time on the appropriate calendar date, clicking into place like a bike gear. A whole new part of me aged and went away, and the hole was filled up with something else. My shoes got soaked when the rain started and I was delighted, walking after dark, the rain dripping off my nose.

So that year you went. Of all things that is the one I will never forget. In my collection of trivial, poorly articulated thoughts mimed out by my dumb tongue, in my pictures and familiar smells and tastes, there is that. In my list of people who took extremely dramatic exits in the middle of the emotional excess of summer and the silent desperation of winter, there is you. You who began the quiet process of dying with the fall, shriveling up in your favourite chair and gray like the weather. In your living room we stood around you awkwardly, talking about you, talking at you, but never talking to you. We ate up all our stories about you like a cheap buffet. You smiled and nodded while we devoured your life and did not flinch. You did not eat. You waited.

I wore my black rubber boots, new and clean back and forth every afternoon. Wool socks bunched and stiffened around my toes. And I walk home late at night with all my hopes for you tucked away in my pocket.
That you exhale. And that might be the end of everything..

you can tell them i’m coming and hell’s coming with me.

It’s been a weird week. I found a new roommate and I am saying goodbye to the old one. I’ve spent a lot of time not thinking about how this is almost a divorce, and now it’s hitting me. I looked into her almost empty room and felt sick, but I know it’s for the best. I don’t know what to think except it’s over.

I guess Dayle leaving says a lot of things about her and myself and the way we relate now and will relate in the future. I guess. I suppose it does. I don’t know. Right now I half want to cry from work, and this and everything. This is the most frustrated, tired, and just plain worn out I’ve felt in awhile. But maybe that’s ok. I need something to keep my feet on the ground.

i snort and i stamp.

“It’s more complicated than this,” she says, pressing the dirt down on the seeds near my boots. She looks up, her face full of worry. “It takes a lot more work that you expect.”

(how do you tell someone you expect nothing? roll your sleeves up to reveal a dozen even scars or more! stroke the raised skin with crushed fingers, start a fire in your heart.)

drink faxe, see the future.

I had to tell someone that there was a kid with satan tattoos drinking faxe and telling us all he could see the future. We were stupid and we were high and this was the end of everything.

for all you csi miami lovers out there…

i would just like to point out that horatio caine is freakin insane. some brazillian shot his wife and was kicked out of the us, and the sonbitch FOLLOWED this dude to brazil to bring him to justice.

tv is retarded.

missing: you.

Some of us are lost to tv, and the internet. Some of us are lost to our jobs, which loses us to our families. Or or friends. Or our lives as they once were. Some of us are lost to ourselves, our whims, our endless intricacies, our brains operating in overdrive, not stopping for one second. Propelling us forward. Out of the loop, tossing things along the side of the road, you will never write. You will never call. You will leave us waiting for the other shoe to drop.

(you will become that daughter, that sister, that being. you will be that faded polaroid. you will be lost to the flood.)

how is your heart?

during my worst times
on the park benches
in the jails
or living with
whores
I always had this certain
contentment-
I wouldn’t call it
happiness-
it was more of an inner
balance
that settled for
whatever was occurring
and it helped in the
factories
and when relationships
went wrong
with the
girls.
it helped
through the
wars and the
hangovers
the back alley fights
the
hospitals.
to awaken in a cheap room
in a strange city and
pull up the shade-
this was the craziest kind of
contentment

and to walk across the floor
to an old dresser with a
cracked mirror-
see myself, ugly,
grinning at it all.
what matters most is
how well you
walk through the
fire.

- charles bukowski

twenty who? twenty-two!

last night’s party was amazing. thanks to everyone who came out, everyone who wanted to come out and was unable to, and everyone ever.

emopalooza

… is tonight. will i see you there?

ok so

normally i only read something awful for ‘the weekend web’, but this is one of the funniest flash cartoons i have ever seen. Theodore Chalkdust .

it is imperative that you watch this.